Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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