he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
