I feel like I'm in dance class right now
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
