Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Randomize
