Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
