I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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