I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
