Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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