Your face is a jimmy john
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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