he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
