I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
