It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
