I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
third nipple confirmed
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
