I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
