I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
