I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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