Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
