Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
