I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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