I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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