i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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