he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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