I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize