She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
