Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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So squirting runs in the family.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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