I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
