Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
