Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
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I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
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Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.