I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.