I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.