Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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