I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
