is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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