the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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