i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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