I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
