Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
