I accidentally burped into my bong.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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