I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
home. puking in laundry basket.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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