someone threw a dead crab at me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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