oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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