he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
