we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
