PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's official drugs can't kill me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
