I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Please don't give away my fajitas
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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