I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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