Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
