White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
