Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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