this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize