U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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