Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
