The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
