You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
