we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
