I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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