Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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