An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
