what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
