Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
