made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is it because I queefed?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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