It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
